They can listen to you even when your cell phone’s off.

For those of you who don’t have a clear comprehension of what’s going on right now in the Middle East, I’d like to spell out my understanding of the situation for you now as it stands.

Saddam Hussein was a Sunni. Therefore, the Sunnis ran Iraq when he was in power, despite being a minority in that country at the time. In 1993, 1998, and 2001, United States’ interests were attacked by Saudi Arabian Sunnis associated with al Qaeda, not Iraqis per se. But the Bush administration probably could have justified that we were attacking Saddam Hussein for being a Sunni–that Sunnis are not the peaceful Muslims we would like to do business with–but that wasn’t his sales pitch and we avoided the tribal thing altogether, likely because we’re so strongly economically allied with Saudi Arabia (oh, and because 90% of the worlds Muslims are Sunni, and that would make for a sequel to the Crusades).

We got rid of Saddam and now his Sunnis no longer control Iraq. Since a plurality of Iraqis are Shiites–and we’re making Iraq a “democracy” where the majority rules–the Shiites are now in charge. Neighboring Iran to the north is a Shiite nation. Neighboring Saudi Arabia to the south is a Sunni nation. Thus, Iraq is geographically in the center of two Islamic poles harboring large concentrations of the individuals comprising opposing sects.

Get it? Got it? Good…

Okay, so the controversy now that leads us to direct confrontation with Iran is Bush saying Iran is supplying weapons to the insurgents. But the insurgents are Sunnis. And Iran is a Shiite nation! Iran wouldn’t supply weapons to the Sunni insurgents. The Sunnis are the people they oppose and hate even more than the US!

So who is really fueling the insurgency with money and weapons? That’s right…Saudi Arabia, the Sunni nation that shares the interests of the Iraq insurgency (and the nationality of Osama bin Laden). Recall now that 17 of the 19 hijackers on 9/11 were Saudia Arabians, that Osama bin Laden is a Saudi billionaire with ties to their royal family, and that Saudi Arabian royalty/oil barrons have personal and financial ties to the Bush dynasty and its billions. Oh, and let’s not forget that Saudi Arabian financial interests in the American economy total nearly a trillion and a half dollars, so if we fire a weapon at them, they pull out of our economy and a second Great Depression strikes us, which we can’t afford to fight while simultaneously fighting a World War we start with them. We didn’t join World War II until the Great Depression was behind us and the New Deal was in place. It would be the end of America as we know it.

So we aren’t currently going into what would basically be a perfectly justifiable war with Saudi Arabia. But Bush will make up some bull about Iran and fight them instead. Maybe out of incompetence, or maybe it’s to strategically position American allies along a chain of nations north of Saudi Arabia (Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan are consecutively positioned…how nice). Regardless of the intention, Bush has already transformed Ahmadinejad from a nobody to a rock star by calling him “evil” without provocation. And the American people can’t keep up with what’s going on in the Middle East because “it’s too complicated.”

BUT IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED. Iran supports the Shiite Iraq that’s now justly in place. Saudi Arabia religiously opposes it. The Sunnis in Iraq and neighboring Saudi Arabia continue to bomb Americans and Shiites in Iraq because we took out Saddam and democratically installed the Shiites. The Shiites are on our side for this reason, but now would like us to leave since our presence gives the Sunnis two targets to bomb: American soldiers and innocent Shiites. Saudi Arabia would like us to stay because the confusion Bush incites about Iran’s role allows the Sunni Saudi Arabians to fuel the civil conflict without getting noticed. Shiite Iran would like us to leave for two reasons: they want the tribal conflict that our mere presence inflames to end and their Shiite friends to keep control of the Iraqi government and they want us to leave the region altogether since Bush is threatening them for no reason. Bush is lying to you, whether he understands it or not, by telling you that Iran is supporting the Sunni insurgency, which is f__king idiotic.

I want you to go to your windows, open them up, and shout for the world to hear: “I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

John McCain has officially confirmed that he supports overturning Roe v. Wade. Considering the fact that until he launched his latest presidential campaign he was pro-choice, pro-same-sex-marriage, and pro-sanity, this is a ridiculous move sure to catalyze the destruction of the GOP’s chances of any candidate winning next fall. Mitt Romney has recently had the same “epiphany” and reversed his stance on these social issues. It’s no secret that most people don’t just change their minds on these issues, which is why they’re so freaking controversial! So for these two candidates to make the same reversal at the same time does nothing but highlight their mutual lack of backbone, conviction, or fortitude. They are blatantly beholden to the powerful fundraising arm of the social conservative Right. Barry Goldwater is spinning in his casket!

If you still might vote for either of these pandering, phony a-holes, please call me. We need to talk.

My gossip whores are saying that last night the audience at Prince’s nightclub in Las Vegas, 3121, was surprised to see a certain celebrity among their ranks. That unlikely audience member? Michael Jackson.

God I hope a duet is in the cards…

Old and busted: Best Buy

New hotness: Micro Center